(MILITARY DRUMMING)
And a handful of people made a shitload of money.
(GUNFIRE) ..life-affirming...
...motion picture.
('PULP FICTION' THEME PARODY)
I love cappuccino. I love the taste of it. I love the smell of it.
I even love the sound of it - cappuccino.
If someone held a gun to my head
and forced me to choose a celebrity - any celebrity -
whose life I'd have to assume,
I'd choose Al Pacino, because my name would sound like 'cappuccino'.
I would choose Major Nelson from 'I Dream of Jeannie'.
Having your own girl in a bottle would be fun.
Yeah, I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, Bumpkin'? Ha-ha!
Your own little pin-up girl,
wearing nothing but harem pants and a halter top,
popping out of a cookie jar every time you snapped your fingers.
It wasn't a cookie jar. It was a fancy bottle with a plug.
A stripper in a bottle. Can you believe that'?
A freakin' call girl in a bottle.
And this was prime time - 7:30 - right before 'Laugh-In'.
“Yes, master." “Right away, master."
If I was Barbara Eden, I would have crossed my arms
and blinked Major Nelson right into a leather sling.
Then we'd see who would be master.
Where's that fucking waitress?
What's a sling?
I can't believe how fucking stupid you are.
Stupid is as stupid...
Whoa.
You say that stupid line one more time, I'm gonna execute you
and every other pancake-eating motherfucker in this place.
Do you hear me? I'm not eating pancakes.
I said, do you hear me?
Yes, OK, I hear you.
Stupid movie.
“Life is just like a box of chocolates.”
Life is just like a box of shit.
Ah, but what do I care?
I've just written the most brilliant, violent script
in the history of cinema.
And somebody's actually producing it.
Look out, Bumpkin, my star is on the rise.
If your star is on the rise,
how come they banned you from the set'?
I'll show them.
I'm gonna get my hands on my first million bucks
and I'll make my own movie and screw all of 'em.
Oh, actress... (SIGHS)
...could you bring me another double cappuccino?
(READS) “I am not an actress. I am an aspiring filmmaker."
Filmmaker?
WOW!
Why don't we do a nice, slow tracking shot
of you bringing me...
...another fucking cappuccino?
That wasn't very nice.
Well, nice doesn't get you anywhere.
Just ask Barbara Eden.
Oww.
Look what I've been sitting on.
Gimme that.
(MAGICAL MUSIC)
Jesus Christ!
What is it?
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Do I have a sign on my back that says 'Blow smoke up my ass'?
Crispin, sweetheart.
Do I have a sign on my back that says 'Blow smoke up my ass'?
Did you put another sign on the director's back?
No, no. There's none that I'm aware of.
No, I do not have such a sign. You know why I have no such sign?
Because I don't like having smoke blown up my fuckin' ass!
Now, I got lights, I got cameras,
I got actors, I got a crew,
I even have a fucking cappuccino machine!
But there's only one thing I don't have, Bunny. You know what that is?
A script, Bunny.
I don't have a fucking script!
The first day of shooting, I don't have a fucking script.
Now, listen, unless you want me to make a movie about a couple of grips
sitting around, jerkin' off and eating crullers,
you get that script down here pronto!
Yesterday, you fucking hear me?
And don't you blow smoke up my ass anymore!
I got enough smoke up my ass to elect a pope in my fuckin' pants!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Bumpkin, take this to the warehouse in La Grande, Washington.
OK. And this time, don't screw up.
It's my last copy.
Treat that script as if your life depended on it.
Because, frankly...
...it does.
Uh, OK.
Love you, Bumpkin.
I love you too, Bunny Rabbit.
That's Roberts! Bunny Roberts!
Fucking retard.
And you, Marcel Marceau, I don't need some fucking coffee shop mime
throwing attitude at me like it's fucking rice at a wedding.
Now, you get me that cappuccino now or I'll blow
that fuckin' bonnet-wearing head of yours right off.
And that goes for every last motherfuckin' one of you!
('PULP FICTION-STYLE MUSIC)
(GUNSHOTS)
(CREAKING)
(CLANG AND SPLASH)
(RADIO CHANNEL SURFING)
MAN: Sunday, Sunday, Sun...
NEWSREADER: The pair of serial-killing wrestlers
are still on the loose.
We're gonna be searching for a high of 70...
SONG: ♪ ..wanna keep you
♪ To wanna do it all All for you
♪ I wanna be your, be your rubber ball
♪ I wanna be the one you love most of all
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ I'm your boogie man I'm your boogie man
♪ Turn me on I'm your boogie man... ♪
OK, tell me about this Tomorrowland.
Alright, so, Tomorrowland is called Mananaville,
but everything else in Tomorrowland is in French.
No shit?
(SPEAKS FRENCH) Space Mountain.
(SPEAKS FRENCH) That's that Star Wars ride, you know'?
What's it called? Star Tours.
Right you are.
And all the characters are in French too.
You know what they call Goofy'? What?
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
You know what they call Mickey?
You keep going, cat. (SPEAKS FRENCH)
That's groovy. Now, what about Dumbo?
I dunno. I didn't make it over to Fantasy land.
But I did see the Little Mermaid. (SPEAKS FRENCH)
Had her right in front. Check this out.
You know in the cartoon, in the commercials,
she's got those two shells covering her breasts?
Right, right.
Nothing-Get out of town.
These two enormous surf-and-turf tits
just hangin' out in the Disney daylight.
Damn! Yeah.
Apparently in Europe, seeing a woman's tits
is like an everyday thing.
So she's just sitting up there waving at the kids.
Families huddle around taking her picture.
Hair up in a bun? You better believe it.
Eh, this black motherfucking hairy-ass nigger's
gotta get his ass down there, I'm telling you that right now.
Shit! Look out!
(TREYS SCREECH) (THUMP!)
You hit something.
Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
Get that fuckin' bug off the hood of my car.
Ugh!
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Uh-oh. No page numbers.
Fucking bug, huh. We should have a grenade for this type of shit.
Maybe we just spray him with your Jeri curl.
Say, man, this is real hair, OK'? Helps a nigger's hair relax.
You wouldn't know nothing about that shit.
Why don't you relax? How many of them up there, man?
The whole place is probably crawling with them.
And only sends two of us'? Well, you know Monticello.
Damn, we should have a fuckin' Uzi.
(DOG BARKS) WOMAN: Will you stop that...
Is that the revolutionary new pesticide you been working on?
Eh, man, that's gonna get this brother out of this bullshit exterminating suits
into an Armani suit.
I might even end up with a Porsche. Like most fly niggers.
Eh, Julius, it's a fuckin' doughnut.
This is a lethal puff pastry.
Within the walls of this flaky golden crust
is a Bavarian cream laced with DDT.
Enough to exterminate a whole tenement.
Lay one of these suckers on the kitchen counter,
you wake up the next morning, it's like fucking cockroach Jonestown.
Yeah, and kill an entire family. Huh'?
You can't leave a fuckin' poisonous doughnut laying on the counter.
Somebody's gonna eat it.
Not if you tell them it's poisonous.
WOMAN: I said, would you shut... Give me that fuckin' doughnut.
...that goddamn dog up?! We spray once.
Oh, man. And that's it.
But then they gonna come right back. Uh-huh, then we'll come back.
That's how we make a living.
No, that's how Monticello makes a fuckin' living.
I don't get paid enough for this bullshit.
Say, you know what they call an eclair in New Zealand'?
So, what's her name again? Mimi.
They say she's plump. Yeah.
Used to be an exotic dancer.
Monticello likes his women party-size.
Oh, yeah? Not me. I don't like fat chicks.
Yeah, right. I don't.
Yeah, OK. Serious, man.
Yeah, whatever. Fat, me, no can do.
Uh-huh. Yeah, right. I'm tellin' you.
Let me tell you something - 200 years ago,
you would've been singing a different tune, my friend.
Is that so'? Yes.
A man's prowess was measured by the size of his wife.
The bigger, the better, OK'?
Fat women were revered.
200 years ago, that little mermaid at Euro Disney
would've looked more like Free Willy.
(LIFT DOOR PINGS)
I hear this Mimi is a real handful.
Remember that kung-fu dude with the black belt and the nunchaks,
Tony Krakatoa?
Used to call him Polly Want a Cracker?
Little guy, always smelled like cheese?
Mm-hm. Nacho. Right.
Mm-hm.
Well, word around the X-ray room is that those same nunchaks he had,
he's wearing on the inside.
Sets off every metal detector there is on the LAX
just by driving by the place.
All on account of a certain plump ex-stripper.
She used to strip? Mm-hm.
Well, uh... what did he do? Make fun of her?
Helped her wax her moustache.
She has a moustache? Not anymore.
Supposedly, the bitch wanted to get rid of some unsightly facial hair,
convinced Tony Krakatoa to help her out.
Now he's wearing two wooden sticks inside his monkey motherfucking ass.
Shittin' sawdust.
What's her name again?
Mimi. Why are you so worried about the bitch's name?
Monticello asked me to show her a good time while he's down in Tijuana.
“Show her a good time"?
No, not like that.
Oh.
Show her a good time.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Not like that either.
Just take her out for some coffee, keep her from getting bored.
MAN: Whoo-hoo! Three's my lucky number, baby.
WOMAN: Nicky.
(NICKY GRUNTS) (BED SPRINGS CREAK)
(NICKY LAUGHS) (SQUELCH)
Sounds like we caught somebody with their pants down.
WOMAN: Who is it'? Exterminator.
Did you call the... Come on, you two honeymooners.
Open up. You're standing in the path of the workin' man.
(OMINOUS CHORD)
Holy shit. JULIUS: Stay cool, Jimmy.
We could hear you. You don't need to be braying like a mule.
You just caught me and Nicky here
in the middle of some real important business.
Ain't that right, baby? That's right, baby.
Real important business.
So I guess you'll just have to come back some other time.
Alrighty. Let's go.
Wait a second, Kato.
So you are... you're asking us to reschedule?
She ain't askin' you nothin', spray boy.
I'm telling you.
Now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out!
(GUNFIRE)
(SCREAMS) Mommy!
(SCREAMS)
Holy shit! Holy shit, no!
Holy shit is when some pissed-off waitress
spills coffee on your lap because you're acting like a sonofabitch, OK'?
Watchin' two inbred, gun-toting psychos try to fill you with lead
because you're trying to rectify an ant problem?!
That's not holy shit, my friend.
That's not even holy fuckin' shit.
You know what that is? That is a miracle.
A miracle? That's right, I said a miracle.
We could've been killed up there, motherfucker.
But you know what, Jimmy'?
I've had it. That's right, I've had it.
No more bug-hunting door-to-door candygram bullshit for me.
And you can tell Monticello that shit too.
From now on, he can exterminate his own fucking roaches.
Come on, Julius.
Exterminating's all you know. What are you gonna do, walk the earth'?
Hey, man, I said, “Fuck that shit." I'm going to find my own way.
Maybe I'll start my own exterminating business or something.
(MEN WHOOP) And I'll exterminate anybody
who get in my fucking way.
Ooh! Man!
Get your dim-witted ass out of the goddamn way.
(CROWD CHEERS) (BELL CLANGS)
(GAS PS)
I had that nightmare again, Vallory.
Me too, Nicky.
The one where Bonnie Franklin had her own TV show again.
Oh! No, the other one.
Where we're forced to watch that unwatchable movie
about our truly fantastic lives.
'Natural Blonde Killers'?
Damn that Gulliver Stone for making that convoluted film.
Do I look like a blonde to you, baby?
No, you don't, sweetness.
You're just a guy in a bad bald cap
and my hair's a black and stringy white-trash mix.
We were well on our way to becoming the most infamous homicidical maniacs
this country's ever seen.
And now look at us, wallowing in obscurity
as a couple of ridiculous tag team wrestlers.
Well, we're gonna change all that tonight, sweetness.
The Nicky and Vallory of old are about to weave
their most intoxicating spell over all of America.
Once we doublecross Monticello and, um... win this match,
we'll have enough money to stage the most violent and memorable comeback
in serial-killing history.
And then we... BOTH: Get Gulliver Stone!
Oh, no, you don't.
None of that 'took too much acid', 'who shot JFK',
'let's do mushrooms with Jim Morrison' shit with us!
Not this time! God!
You wanna make a film about us'?
Then you gotta do like we do.
Just point...
...and shoot.
You got that'?
Well, alright.
Oh... l love you, Nicky.
I love you, Vallory.
(SQUELCHY KISSING)
Hey, yo! Break it up. Break it up.
Well, well, well.
Tweedledum and Tweedledumber.
You two finished slobbering all over each other?
Now, listen up. It's showtime.
No more funny stuff.
You go down inside of 1O minutes
or I'll have the two of you roasted over an open fire
like two fucking chestnuts faster than you can say Nat King Cole.
Capisce?
You get it?
Then say it.
Huh? Huh?
Repeat what I just said.
BOTH: Oh.
You stay on Nat King Cole's nuts... You two fucking chestnuts...
...until we're in the third round. ..are gonna fuckin' be roasting.
Alright, alright! Forget it.
Just go down in the first 1O minutes.
That was quite a charm on Montello's bracelet.
Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin', sweetness?
About Pamela Anderson on that surfboard nude?
No, Nicky!
I'm thinking that we snatch that briefcase on our way out of here
and then we could add a little insult to, um...
...injury.
I love the way you think, baby.
Let's do it.
Now do you think I'm sexy, huh?
SONG: ♪ Woman, take me in your arms... ♪
You had ants, Kandy.
You had fleas in every fucking room in your house.
Remember, you called me up, crying,
saying, “Montello, please! Please take the vermin away."
And my boys came and you couldn't pay your extermination bill.
So I opened up my heart,
allowing you to come into this dank and mouldy room every night
and take off all your clothes in front of drunken low-life,
pathetic scumbag strangers,
so you could afford to pay me back.
But that was four years ago.
Monticello, I have paid you back for the frigging extermination.
Did the ants ever come back, Kandy?
(SIGHS)
No. No.
Because I did my job.
And you don't leave here until you finish yours.
('ROCK YOUR BABY' PLAYS) (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Bonjour, Rhonda.
Jimmy. They let you back in the country? Good move.
Say, Rhonda,
do you wanna hear what they call a bartender in Albania?
No. Are you sure? It's kinda wacky.
Keep it in your pants, Sundance.
So, is the big guy around?
He's over there.
Talking to one of the strippers.
Now, all this money might seem unfair,
but if it's any consolation to you, I just took it up the butt myself.
Couple of whacked-out wrestlers doublecrossed me
and made off with a very valuable briefcase.
So, do we feel good about this?
Say it.
We feel good about this.
Like you mean it.
We feel good about this.
Good.
Now say it like you're underwater.
What?
Say it.
(GURGLES) We feel good about this.
Hey, Jimmy-
I hear you're taking Mimi out to break some bread.
Yeah, well, Monticello wants me to spend the afternoon with her.
Whatever you do, don't let her eat Mexican.
(MARIACHI MUSIC) Mexican'?
Yeah, you know, tacos, fajitas, enchiladas.
Why not'?
'Cause that's when all the trouble starts.
Trouble? Yeah.
You didn't hear about Tony Krakatoa?
I heard some things.
All I know is Mimi sends Tony out for some chimichangas, right?
The next thing you know, he's packed tighter than a Japanese subway
at rush hour!
Hey, Jimmy-
You wanna know what they call a burrito over at Montello's house?
What? They don't, stupid!
Haven't you been listening?
No Mexican!
Putz.
You strippers will do anything for a buck.
(LAUGHS) Come on, now. Get out of here before I wet my pants.
Come on, squee-zam, you fuckin'...
Nice tinsel. Fuck off.
Hey, hey! There he is!
Jimmy Nova! Mr Eurotrash himself. Hey!
You kill any bugs for me this morning'?
I'm back on the job. Attaboy.
I can see, travelling around the world, you haven't lost your touch.
Wanna hear what they call a cockroach in Botswana?
Why the fuck would anybody wanna know that'?
Now, look, this afternoon, I'm sending you out
on your most important job yet.
Now, you know my Mimi means the world to me.
And if anything should happen to my sweet, plump, adorable little Mimi,
I couldn't be held accountable for my actions.
I hear ya. Good.
So, we feel good about this?
Say it.
We feel good about this.
Good.
Now, say it like there was a hot poker up your ass.
('CRIMSON & CLOVER' BY TOMMY HAMES AND THE SHONDELLS)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
MIMI: “Jimmy.
“I'm slipping into something more comfortable.
“The door's unlocked.
“Come on in and..." (BURPS)
“..make yourself at home.
“Mimi."
Hello? (KNOCKS AT DOOR)
Anybody home?
Mimi?
(OVER P.A. SYSTEM) Hello, Jimmy.
Is that you?
Hey! Turn it down, will ya'? (NOISY FEEDBACK)
There. Is that better, cowboy'?
Yeah, it's much better. Hey, where the hell are ya'?
I'm gonna be another minute putting on my face.
Why don't you take off your jacket and stay a while, Tex'?
Alright.
Say, uh...
...can I use the little cowpokes' room'?
What?
I need to lead my horse to water.
What are you talking about?
I gotta take a leak, alright?
Oh. Knock yourself out.
Just remember, all employees must wash their hands
before returning to work.
That means you, partner.
Which way?
Right behind you.
First door on your right.
Hurry back so we can... mambo.
(LATIN AMERICAN DANCE MUSIC)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Now, what did Daddy's little hit man bring Mimi for being so good?
(TOILET FLUSHES) Bingo!
Mmm, mmm... (GASPS)
Mmm! oh-my God!
Mimi! No! Oh, God, it's great.
Hey! Bring it up.
(GRUNTS) Come on. Come on.
(GRUNTS) Ooh! Ahh!
God! Buy me a drink first.
You just swallowed that whole eclair'?
Relax. I'll buy you another.
No. You don't understand. It's...
Stale'? I know.
But I had to have something.
I have this little blood sugar problem.
Didn't Monticello tell you?
So...
...how do I look?
Er... nice.
(CRASH)
Really nice.
To keep our little date from becoming a complete snore,
we have to make a little pit stop first.
I hope you brought some protection. Protection?
I have to pick something up in Van Nuys.
How do you expect to protect me if you didn't bring a little heat, Starsky'?
JIMMY: God! You're the worst driver.
SONG: ♪ Dead kings, many things I can't define
♪ Occasions, persuasions clutter your mind
♪ Incense and peppermints, the colour of time
♪ Who cares what games we choose'?
♪ Little to win but nothing to lose. ♪
Honey. Coming, Pookie.
Look who just dropped by for a quick pick-me-up.
(LAUGHS) Mimi, you minx!
Where the dickens have you been?
Mimi, your new hairdo is just so much fun. Show it to Les.
Les, honey, isn't Mimi's hairjust F-U-N?
W-O-W. BOTH: Wow!
Thank you. (CANNED LAUGHTER)
Who's your friend?
Oh, this is Jimmy Nova.
He's my escort for the afternoon.
He works for Monticello.
BOTH: Ooh.
Bang bang, huh, Jimmy'? Wild.
Your money or your wife, huh?
It's not what you think. I'm just an exterminator.
I bet you're murder with that Magnum weapon of yours, aren't you, scamp'?
Ooh!
(CAN N ED LAUGHTER)
Bang bang. Ouch.
Right through the heart. (BOTH LAUGH FORCEDLY)
(CAN N ED LAUGHTER)
Well, you two didn't come all the way over here just to stand by a lava lamp.
Mimi, wait till you see the shipment that Les just got in.
It's some incredible stuff.
Show me!
This way to the bean bag.
(FARTING NOISES) (CANNED LAUGHTER)
You are gonna love this stuff.
(MIMI GASPS) Ohh!
Jesus, Mimi.
This is Topolo, from Colombia. Very rich.
This is Chaco - bitter but equally as good.
And this...
...is Basco.
Ohh. From the Black Forest of Germany.
(BOTH SNIGGER)
Now, these two are the same - 45 and ounce.
These are friend prices.
This one... this one's 75.
$75? Is it worth it'?
Mimi, this Basco is wild.
It's crazy with a 'K'.
OK. I'll take $500 worth.
Hold on a second there, Mimi.
Look, what you do on your own time, that's your business.
But today you're with me, and I'm not driving around
with a shitload of hashish.
(LAUGHS) Are you insane, Columbo'? It's not hashish.
It's chocolate.
It's black-market fudge, Jimmy. (CANNED LAUGHTER)
Did he say 'hash'?
(LAUGHS) Jimmy, this is the Valley.
Mind if I spark some up right here?
(CAN N ED LAUGHTER)
Please do. Our casa is your casa.
Um... l can't get it open.
Oh, they double-seal 'em like that for customs.
Here, help me out with this, Samson.
I'll get a knife. JIMMY: I can't get it.
Do you have any cookies?
Just give it to me.
I need some sugar!
Please, I'm feeling a little...
God, Mimi!
Oh, my God, I've killed her!
She ate my eclair.
Believe me, it'll take a lot more than a doughnut to kill Mimi.
It's her blood sugar. She's in shock.
Oh, you're right. She told us this could happen.
Les, honey, grab some orange juice from the fridge.
Jimmy, check her bag for some dextrose.
We're gonna have to give her a shot. Is this it'?
Yes. Now, just roll her over while I figure out how to... read this.
Oh, my God, Montello's gonna kill me.
We're all out of concentrate. I'm gonna have to make some fresh.
Honey, please. Lamb chop, just get her something sweet.
Anything with cubes. Orange juice.
Hang in there, Mimi, Jimmy's not gonna let you die.
What do I do?
“Locate and expose the upper forward quadrant of either gluteus maximus.”
What the fuck does that mean? LES: Show us her butt.
Thanks, Pookie.
Ooh! She's got a tattoo!
Oh, that?
It's actually a little map. See'?
It points the way to the nearest Burger World.
Now what?
“Indicate intended point of penetration
“by marking the area with a large
Mark it with what?
What are you doing? Oh, Pink on Purpose.
Here? Here, use this.
No, here. I believe they meant here, thank you.
No, silly, the upper quadrant is right here.
No, I'm positive it's here.
Get out of the way! No! Oww!!
(SCREAMS)
Mimi. Say something.
Ugh!
I need a cookie! NOW!
(TREYS SCREECH)
MIMI: God!
The least you could have done was rent a decent car.
The least you could do is say thank you.
Oh, for what, slamming a needle halfway up my ass?
You hit me in my eye!
And you didn't even grab my fucking chocolate!
That's it, I'm taking you home.
No, this is my afternoon, and you have to do what I want.
You wouldn't want me to tell Monticello that you deprived me of food
and nearly forced his new wife into a coma, would you?
What is this place? It's the Independent Cafe.
Isn't it great?
All the waiters and waitresses
dress like characters from your favourite independent movies.
(DRYLY) Fantastic.
You! You... can eat a bucket of fuck!
Bitch.
Hello. I'm Priscilla, queen of the desserts.
Ohh! (CHUCKLES)
I'll be your waitress this afternoon.
Table for two?
Well, we'd like a private table so we can tell secrets.
I understand. Walk this way.
Look!
Sorry about the mess.
We had a little incident this afternoon
in the piano section.
He had a gun and he had a Jeri curl?
Come, come, come.
Wow! That body looks real.
Cool!
What's this? Oh, that's Movie Karaoke.
While you wait for your food,
you can participate in scenes from your favourite movie.
Johnny! They took my fuckin' thumb, Johnny!
'Sound of Music'. (LAUGHS)
Watch your backs.
Back up, cracker. Coffee comm' through for the man.
Do the right thing, mookie.
Get the fuck outta my way before I take your fuckin' ear.
Well, I tell ya, you know, I had this tuna fish salad sandwich
up my ass for two years.
Enjoy.
She's not retarded, she's deaf.
PRISCILLA: Ohh!
She's not deaf, she's just refusing to talk.
(SHOUTS) What did the guy look like?
Jesus Christ.
Careful of the corpse. Slippery when wet.
That body looks like it has no head.
Oh, look! JIMMY: Hm?
Mia Farrow and Moe Howard.
He was the hottest Stooge - so cruel.
Today's specials are listed on the back.
Oh, what's a Crying Game appetiser?
Well, we tell you it's an absolutely fabulous assortment of raw fish,
then we bring you a hot dog instead.
Oh. And the Watervvorld platter?
That's just a cheese sandwich,
but it costs $270.
Oh.
You go ahead, Jimmy. I just can't decide.
Alright.
I'll just have the Woody Allen with an extra pickle, thank you.
Er, sorry, sir. That's our children's menu.
You have to be under-aged to get the Woody.
Oh.
I'll have the El Mariachi.
(WAVE SPLASHES, GUITAR STRUMS)
What's that'? That's our cheapest dish.
For 1.99, you get two tacos, a tostada,
a fajita, a burrito, an enchilada,
chilli relyenos... No, no, thanks.
That's OK.
No.
We'll just have two hamburgers, some fries and a couple of Cokes.
Mmm. How original.
I wanted the El Mariachi.
Yeah, and I don't want any more trouble.
('YOU SEXY THING' BY HOT CHOCOLATE)
(CRUNCHES)
(CHEWS NOISILY)
Don't you hate that'? What?
Those uncomfortable silences that occur
when two alluring strangers are thrown together by fate
and their pheromones do all the talking.
Pheromones'?
You know, those imperceptible scents that animals give off to attract a mate.
(TRUMPETS)
(WHINNIES)
(CROAKS)
Are you saying I smell?
I'm saying that maybe one of us should think of something to talk about
before our more natural instincts take over.
So...
I hear you used to strip.
Strip?! Who told you that'?
I just... l heard... Monticello, I believe, mentioned it.
My husband used the word 'strip'?
Well, not necessarily. I believe what he said was...
Because I did not strip, OK'? I was an exotic dancer.
There is a big difference. Naturally, there is.
Maybe you heard of me - Cherry Lee?
Yeah, it was my stage name.
Like the cookies and the cakes?
“Everybody doesn't like something..."
“But nobody didn't like Cherry Lee."
Jelly bean.
Now, I'm gonna go powder my nose.
And when I come back, I want you to think of a secret to tell me.
(PANTS STRETCH LOUDLY
MAN: Hello. This thing on? Hello?
I had this monitor up my ass for two years.
I had this gun up my ass for two years.
And I liked it.
WOMAN: We're gonna pose as nuns
whose station wagon breaks down in front of the club.
Monticello doesn't leave for the bank until around 2:00,
so at 1:30, this should give us plenty of time.
I'm gonna smack him in the head with this,
you're gonna grab the cash and hide it in this.
We're gonna be out of there for good.
No more pasties... (SNORTS)
...and no more freakin' Monticello.
No names, no worries.
If you have to talk, you call me Sister Mary,
Sister Sister,
Sister Sledge,
Sister Ruth
and Sister Batril.
(OTHERS LAUGH)
Why do I have to be Sister Batril?
'Cause I'm the one handing out the names.
Sister Batril was played by Sally Fields. I don't like Sally Fields.
I liked her in 'Smokey and the Bandit'.
Yeah, she was very good in 'Places in the Heart'.
She won a freakin' Oscar. She made a great psycho in 'Sybil'.
My mother, my daughter, my mother, my daughter.
She was way over the top in 'Soapdish'.
Wait, wasn't she a nun in 'Gidget'?
No, she was identical cousins in 'Gidget'.
No, that was Patty Hearst.
No, it was Patty Duke.
No, that was... SISTER MARY: Quiet!
I don't wanna be Sister Batril.
WOMAN: I'll be Batril. WOMAN 2: Great.
SISTER MARY: No! There's no switching names.
You're Sister Batril or you're outta here!
But that makes me the freakin' fuckin' Flyin' Nun.
SISTER MARY: Deal with it.
What's with the nuns?
Some sort of religious jamboree?
Perhaps they're rethinking that ninja motif.
SISTER MARY: Hey, Liz Taylor.
You mind? This is a private meeting.
Oh. Sorry, sisters.
Fuckin' penguins.
(GAS PS) An Olsen twin!
Hey. Are you OK'?
Much better, thank you.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know what's taking our food so long.
It should've been here. Here, have a bread stick.
Would you relax? I'm fine.
Well, 1O minutes ago, you were threatening to lapse into a coma.
Well, that was 1O minutes ago.
Now I wanna do something fun.
Fun? Yeah.
I wanna dance.
WOMAN: Whoa!
I don't think that's a good idea.
I believe Monticello, my husband, your boss,
told you to let me do whatever I want.
Well, now I wanna dance.
I don't really think this is the time.
Or shall we tell my husband that you had me go into insulin shock
so you could throw my dress over my head
and play tic-tac-toe on my ass, huh?
Ha.
Maybe in a minute and...
(CHOKES)
SONG: ♪ He's got a union card and he's practising hard
♪ To play the guitar Gonna be a big star
♪ Yeah, he's gonna go far and carry moonbeams home in a jar
♪ He ordered Chefs guitar course COD
♪ Makes A and E and he's workin' on B
♪ Digs C and W and R'n'B
♪ And me and a chimpanzee agree
♪ That one day soon he'll be a celebrity
♪ Get it, get it, get it
♪ Get it, oww! Gitarzan!
♪ He's a guitar man
♪ He's all you can stand
♪ Give him a hand, Gitarzan... ♪
(TARZAN YELL)
JIMMY: Mimi! Put me down!
Put me down!
Ooh, Mommy...
(G R U NTS) Whoa!
(LAUGHS) Ohh! (BANG)
I can't believe they asked us to leave.
I hope you didn't tip.
People were complaining.
Must've been the stupid nuns.
Look, er, maybe we should just call it a day.
Well, we haven't even had lunch yet.
Oh, look, look! You just passed Burrito Barn. Oh.
Look, look, don't you have any food over at your place?
Oh, and, look, there's Taco Hut.
They have these chimichangas - they're these little penis-shaped pastries.
Oh, God. Just thinking about them gets me damp.
Maybe we could zip on over to your house, I can make a tuna sandwich.
I want some gum.
Huh?
I said pull over so I can buy some gum!
(TREYS SQUEAL) Mimi!
What, are you fucking nuts?
Now, you wait here and I'll be out in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
(PANTS) They shake their tails real fast.
No! (PANTS)
Touches.
Two minutes! Two minutes and I'm going!
MAN: Turn-offs include cruelty to animal and vain people.
That make-up she's wearing I'm sure is tested on lab rats.
That shaved muff is the ultimate form of vanity.
Hey, clerks!
(BELL RINGS)
Bigger budget.
(BELL RINGS)
(GIRLS GIGGLE)
(SINGS ALONG TO RADIO) ♪ 'Cause I made my mind up
♪ You're going to be mine
MAN ON RADIO: ♪ I'll tell you right now... ♪
0h, my God!
It's Taco Tuesday!
Mimi!
(MIMI CHOMPS AND SLURPS)
No.
(EATS LUSTILY)
(PURRS)
Hola, Jimmy.
(SPITS)
Mimi, your hair. You look... Oh, Lord.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
('MY SHARONA'-LIKE DRUMBEAT PLAYS)
oh! (GROVVLS)
(SURF GUITAR MUSIC)
Mimi! No mas.
No!
Jesus Christ, Mimi. What the hell did you do that for'?
I hate that song.
(GUN COCKS)
And I hate the bloody Quickie Mart.
Look at this place.
You know how much bleach I'm gonna have to use to clean up this mess,
you stupid American pig?
Peugh-peugh! (SPITS)
Now drop the gun, Mr Buffalo Bill,
before I blast you and Calamity Jane here
so far into next week, you'll have to time-travel just to take a dump.
Coming into my store and waving your big gun around
like you were walking past the White House.
Nobody shoots nobody in this Quickie Mart
except for Jean-Claude Ennui.
You try to steal something, I shoot you.
You read my magazines, I shoot you.
You make a mess at the Lotto station
using all my forms, breaking all my pens, I shoot you.
(EXCLAIMS FRENCHILY)
But that is me, Jean-Claude Ennui.
And now... (COCKS GUN)
...I'm-a shoot you.
Oh, God. Oh.
Unless you wanted to buy something first.
(BOTH AGREE WORDLESSLY)
(BELL RINGS)
Ah, merde! I forgot to flip the sign!
(EXCLAIMS ANGRILY)
Hmm'?
This killing will have to wait.
What?
You think I am some stupid American pig
who's gonna leave you here all by yourselves
so you could wiggle your way free and drink all my Yoo-hoo?
I'm going to get the gimp.
(CLAPS) Gimp!
Gimp!
Gimp! (SPEAKS FRENCH)
Hurry, Gimp, get out here!
(CREAKING AND SCRAPING)
(BANGING AND CLUNKING)
(ZIPPING)
(SPEAKS FRENCH) American pig.
Heel!
Heel! Heel!
Heel! Heel! Heel-heel!
Sit. Sit.
Now roll over.
Roll over!
Good girl!
You stay.
Stay! Stay!
Isn't she delicious?
Oh, but the fleas - ooh, la, la!
And I tried everything - the dip, the spray, the collar.
But still she scratches.
Hey! Who do you have to fuck around here to get a slushie?
I'll be right there!
Customers.
Jesus.
OK, Gimp - time to watch the prisoners
while Jean-Claude overcharges some American pig for her soda.
Nell nee pee-chickopay.
(GAS PS)
Nell... wat... pridner?
In go ain... let Nell free'?
Like tay... in a winn?
Tay... in a winn?
Tay... in a winn!
That's right. Bla-bla-bla.
Now, you keep talking like that
until you make their freaking ears bleed.
And if that doesn't kill you, I'll be back to do the job myself.
WOMAN: Hello? Alright, alright, I'm coming!
Nell... cardayo... gard-ayn.
But Nell no like deyo.
Deyo eh doer. No led Nell... tay... winn.
Tay in a winn.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Have a nice day, now. You stupid American pig.
Hey! Pepé Le Pew!
How about a little coq au vin'?
(BANG!)
(LAUGHS) Oh! That's just great.
(BELL RINGS) Hey! What the hell's that'?
You must've set the alarm off.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Let's get out of here. Let's go out the back.
Yeah, what about the gimp?
Ta-ta in the winn, little chickie, ta-ta in the winn.
What a moron.
Watch it! Holy shit!
Stop this fucking car.
Alright, out! Mimi!
Drive!
Alright, let's go.
Out of the car, Julie Andrews.
Watch it, I'm a fucking nun!
(GASPS) Holy fuck, you're Montello's wife.
Bite me, Ann-Margret.
(HORN HONKS)
Quit it, will ya'? This is my boyfriend's car!
(HORN HONKS) Oh, yeah?
Well, I got a message for your fucking boyfriend.
(GRUNTS)
What the fuck are you doing? Just drive.
WOMAN: Hey, what about us'?
(ANGELIC CHORAL CHORDS)
Oh, sweet Jesus. Hang on.
(TREYS SQUEAL
I don't believe it! You just shot a nun!
She wasn't a nun. She said she had a boyfriend.
Yeah, well, maybe she meant God was her boyfriend.
Ever think of that'? What?
Did you ever hear of being married to the Church?
Oh, and they were just going steady? Please.
What's the difference between purgatory and limbo, huh?
Huh?!
(ALL SCREAM)
What are you doing? See'? They don't know.
They're not nuns.
Yeah, what is the difference between purgatory and limbo?
Well, purgatory is like mini-hell and limbo is like...
Christ!
Well, if I was a fucking nun, I'd know.
Right, sisters? (BANG!)
(NUNS SCREAM)
Fuck! She got my ear.
Did you kill any of 'em'?
No, but I got their penguin.
I know. The beak is sticking me in the neck.
Do I have anything on me?
No. You look great.
That's it. You're cool. You're gonna be just fine.
Stupid cow just shot me in the stomach.
I am not cool. I'm gonna fucking die.
You're not gonna die.
Holy shit! Just slipped on my own intestine.
You gotta get me to a hospital!
I'm taking you to the rendezvous point.
No! Yes!
That's the plan.
I'm losing life. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna fucking die!
Arggh!
And now I just lost a lens. Great.
As if bleeding to death wasn't enough, now I lose a fucking contact lens!
I'm not gonna see the light - the tunnel, the light.
I'm gonna go right past the light and go straight to hell!
Enough! You're not gonna die, OK'?
You're bleeding now, but everything is gonna be fine.
Now, come on. Ow.
Great. You just broke a nail. God!
SONG: ♪ Here we come
♪ Walking down the street
♪ We get the funniest looks from
♪ Everyone we meet
♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
♪ And people say we monkey around
♪ But we're too busy singing to put anybody down... ♪
Who's the best nun? You're the toughest, yeah?
I'm the toughest. You're the toughest.
Ah!
Watch where you're fucking going, you stupid prick.
Sorry, sisters.
I'm tired. I believe I will stop running.
Everything3 gonna be... fine.
Great! Now the fucking cops are after us.
What do you mean? What happened? What happened?
That fat chick with the... with the Magnum and the Cleopatra hairdo
started taking pot shots at us!
What?
Blew that fuckin' penguin right out of my hands. I think she got a piece of my ear.
What happened to the car? Fuck the car!
What about these outfits, huh?
I got powder burns on my wimple and you've both got blood all over yours.
Relax.
I swiped these fucking habits from the dressing-room at my kid's school.
They're doing a fucking benefit tonight at 8:00.
And you can't do a production of 'The Sound of Music'
without fuckin' habits.
Where's Frankie's car? Fuck Frankie!
Fuck this whole fuckin' stupid plan.
Shit! Fuck! Somebody ratted us out.
Did you see who that was? That fat chick with the gun.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was Montello's wife.
Montello's fuckin' gun-totin' nun-shootin' wife.
You said you had this covered. How'd she find out about this, huh?
I don't know. I don't know!
One of us is not a stripper.
One of us is a lyin' bitch
who was fuckin' Monticello, and now she's fuckin' all of us.
Who are you calling a bitch, you fuckin' whore'?!
You couldn't table-dance your way out of a paper bag!
Little fucking MOTH E R FUCKE R!
Hey, Sister Batril, relax.
She said I... I know what she said.
And I said relax. Put the gun away.
I said put the gun away!
I could win a fuckin' Nobel prize for table dancing.
Everybody's gotta keep their head.
Now, what happened to Sister Sister and Sister Sledge?
I don't know! I didn't stick around to find out.
Fucking bullshit!
We didn't even get the fucking money.
We'll get the fucking money! Kandy?
I feel dizzy.
You told her your name?
I can't believe you told her your fuckin' name.
She's bleeding to death. What the fuck was I supposed to do?
What happened to the plan, huh?
No names, no worries!
I had to improvise, OK'?
Yeah, well, your plan sucks.
This whole nun thing was fucked to begin with.
I don't wanna be Sister Batril.
I'll be Batril. Great.
No! There's no switching names.
You're Sister Batril or you're out of here!
Hey, Liz Taylor!
You mind? This is a private meeting.
Oh, sorry, sisters.
Fuckin' penguins.
Maybe she knew all along!
Well, somebody had to tip her off. I think it was Sister Sledge.
(SIRENS WAIL)
Speak of the devil.
Who called the cops? We don't know.
We think somebody's trying to fuck us up.
Yeah? Well, they're doing a good job!
Arggh! Sorry.
I think I smell a rat.
Sure you don't mean a bat, Sister Bat-ril?
Why don't you close those scrawny little legs, give us all a break?
You're the one that tipped off Monticello, you fuckin' bitch.
I got a tip for you, you scrawny piece of trash.
You best back off Iced Mocha
'fore she tears you a whole new hole to shake at your customers.
Oh, yeah?!
(BOTH SCREAM AND YELL)
And you can say your name, you asshole! You fucked up!
I've had enough!
Sister Sledge is cool. I picked her myself.
She hates Monticello more than any of us.
How do we know it's not you, Batril?
You're the one who's running around pointing all the fingers.
What the fuck you talkin' about?
(SCOFFS) I supplied the fucking costumes!
Oh, yeah? Well, I've never seen you strip.
I ain't even seen her pastie.
Yeah, and them mosquito bites of yours
certainly ain't the tits of an exotic dancer.
Show us your tits! Yeah, bitch!
Yeah!
Where'd you get this one, Sister Mary?
I didn't. She came to me.
Don't you fuckin' fuck with me!
It's been you who's been fucking with us all this time.
Drop the gun, Bah“.
Make her drop it first!
Sledge, this ain't the way.
Back off, Kandy. Don't pull that mother superior crap with me.
Put it down, Sledge!
It's Batril! I know it is.
You stay the fuck out of this, Sister Ruth.
Go ahead, you bloody bitch, let me finish ya!
(ALL YELL AND ARGUE)
(GUNSHOTS)
(ALL SCREAM)
Would you shut up?
We're trying to shoot a fuckin' movie in here!
If the fucking script would ever get here!
MAN: Do you want that cappuccino?
Enough with the fuckin' cappuccino!
(BELL RINGS)
ANNOUNCER: And in the world of Federation Tag Team Wrestling,
a fatal upset last night as Nicky and Vallory Cox
defeated and inadvertently killed the famed tag team wrestling champions
the brothers McMullen.
The pair escaped and are currently being sought
to answer to three separate charges of criminal manslaughter.
In other news...
Whoo-hoo! Three's my lucky number, baby.
Old Monticello never knew what hit him.
Oh. Oh, that's it, baby.
(POP SONG PLAYS) Oh, yeah.
Bring that booty over here, baby.
Ow!
Ooh, watch your nipples. Don't fucking help me or nothing.
So, what are you saying?
A man can't pull melted wax off a bitch's face without it meaning something?
What I'm saying is Mimi's moustache is between Mimi and Monticello.
Mm-hm - now, let's just suppose
you and this Mimi go out to a fancy restaurant.
The bitch orders eggs Florentine. Got it.
She gets a piece of spinach caught on her upper lip.
You mean to tell me you wouldn't help her?
Spinach and pubic hair ain't the same thing.
Man, what you talking, pubic hair, man?
This ain't no fucking pubic hair, motherfucker.
Pulling a piece of wax off a person's face ain't shit.
I used to shave my mother's back before they sent her off to the asylum.
Really? Hey, you ever shave a guy's back?
Does prison count?
Outside of prison.
Fuck you.
Huh, have you? Fuck you!
Our star is on the rise, Nicky.
We are surrounded by angels
that are converging on this moment in, um, time
to help us realise our destiny.
You're just poetry in motion, baby.
I think that I shall never see
a poem as lovely as...
...Nicky.
(GIGGLES)
Um, baby, er...
You know, I can't wait till tomorrow.
Why don't we just pack our stuff and go look for Gulliver Stone now'?
Sweet little Nicky.
You're just a murderin' fool, aren't you'?
Alright! Let's do it!
(RECORD SCRATCH ES)
It's Monticello. We're gonna fuckin' die.
We're gonna fuckin' die!
Would you shut the fuck up? Get off!
Who is it?
JULIUS: Exterminators.
Did you call the exterminator?
Er, well, I saw that big spider again, baby.
We're on the lam, Nicky. We can't have nobody snooping around in here!
Stupid bitch! Well, what are we gonna fuckin' do?
Come on, you two honeymooners. Get your gun!
Let 'em in out of the hallway before somebody calls the fucking cops.
(OMINOUS CHORD)
We could hear you. No need to be braying like a mule.
You just caught me and Nicky here
in the middle of some real important business.
Ain't that right, baby?
That's right, baby. Real important business.
So I guess you'll have to come back some other time.
Alrighty. Let's go.
Wait a second, Kato.
So you're asking us to reschedule?
She ain't askin' you nothin', spray boy.
I'm telling you.
Now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out!
Does this seem familiar to anybody?
Deja vu, er... I didn't ask you a goddamn thing!
You are standing in the way of the working man.
So'? So'?
So my ass, Uncle Fester.
So! Sew a needle and a thread.
La, a note to follow motherfuckin' so!
'T', the letter in the alphabet I use to describe
the way I square off in your motherfuckin' ass!
Which brings us back to... so.
I thought it was 'doh'.
So'?
Get to the point, bug man.
The point is, is that me and my partner here,
we represent the plight of the righteous working man.
We are here to do ourjob.
And we take orders from one person - our boss, Monticello.
Oh, shit, baby! They work for Monticello?
This is so bad! Well, do something, baby!
Come on. Finish your hairy armpit, bitch.
Shoot them, Nicky, shoot them! (SQUEALS)
(SCREAMS) Mommy!
Well, you're a lousy shot.
Well, my glasses fogged up, baby.
Grab everything! We are leaving now!
Nicky, baby.
Where's Montello's briefcase?
It's there.
I don't see it.
No, l... l put it on the dresser
underneath your copy of 'Extra Chromosome' magazine.
Well, here's the magazine, but I don't see no briefcase.
Well, did you look for it?
Of course I looked! What do you think I'm doing here?
Are you sure you brought it?
I'm sure.
You don't sound sure.
I'm pretty sure.
Well, either you're sure or you're not.
So which is it?
I'm not sure.
Goddammit, Nicky!
You are bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!
Well, if you hadn't have made us stop for pancakes after the match...
No! No! Don't you blame this on me!
God!
Wait a minute.
Pancakes.
I left it in the booth at the diner.
Well, get your gun. We're going back.
Well, our story's all over the news now.
Great. Let's go back and write them another chapter.
And that goes for every last motherfuckin' one of you!
WOMAN: Sit down already! MAN: Shut up!
(BELL RINGS)
Yo, bro, it's the brown billfold.
I know which one it is.
Oh, how'd you know which one it was?
'Cause it's the one that says 'Cheap motherfucker' on it.
If the shoe fits, bro.
And don't bother coming back till you learn how to tip!
Hello. I'm Priscilla... Queen of the desserts. We know.
We were here last night. Don't you ever go home, fruit bowl'?
I'm working a double. Whatever.
Listen...
...pie head...
We left a briefcase. Never mind her, Nicky.
I've already found it.
Oh, well, looky here, Vallory.
Some over-caffeinated patron of this fine dining establishment
has located our briefcase for us.
Hand over the briefcase, Java girl, before we decide to decaffeinate you.
You two skinheads take one more step
and I'll blow your fuckin' white-trash heads off!
You don't know who we are? No.
Damn that Gulliver Stone.
Say your prayers, coffee breath!
I'm gonna fill you so full of lead, you'll look like a number 2 pencil, fucker!
(TRIGGER CLICKS)
Goddammit, Nicky.
Oh, shit, baby. Look, I fucked up. I didn't put the bullets in the gun.
You stupid bitch!
Prepare to meet your maker.
Maybe he'll know who the fuck you are!
(GUNSHOTS)
(ON LOOKERS SCREAM)
Holy shit, it's that spray boy.
What the fuck's he doing with your gun, baby?
I'm in a transitional period, thanks to both of y'all's lousy-ass aim.
Now, hand over the briefcase.
Jesus Christ, baby.
Oh, this is so bad!
No, fuck it. I'm gonna give it to him.
Don't give it to him, Nicky!
The briefcase is ours!
He's gonna put a bullet in Kojak's fuckin' ass
if he don't hand over the briefcase - let's go.
Do something, baby! Do something!
Don't you touch him, bug man, or you're gonna fuckin' die
and die and die again.
Oh, I'm gonna wet myself.
Tell Yul Brynner to chill.
Tell him!
Chill... you Brynner.
Tell him to be cool. Tell him to be cool. Say it!
(GROANS) Be cool, Nicky.
I'm going number two. That's it, I'm just going.
That is so gross.
Yeah, Nicky, that's right.
We're all gonna be like little Vinnie Barbarinos.
And what was Vinnie Barbarino?
Wiseass'?
Well, all of the Sweathogs were wiseasses,
but they all had their own distinct characteristic.
Like, Horshack, he was a nerd.
And Boom Boom Washington, he was very suave.
He was also in 'Cooley High'. I ain't seen him in shit since.
I know. What happened to him?
I loved him. He was so good in that.
He went on to do a television movie, playing Michael Jackson's father.
He was very good. He doesn't work enough.
Hey! What was Vinnie Barbarino like'?
Cool?
That's right. He was cool.
So we all gonna have to just be cool!
Or Buffy and Jody get a couple of bullets in their motherfuckin' ass!
Now, open up the briefcase.
We'll open it, but we own what's inside!
It's an original. it's classic.
Well, what is it?
Oh, it's a 'Welcome Back, Kotter' lunch box.
Very rare. Very hard to find.
And, er, little yellow glowy things.
But the box is in mint condition,
and... and we know we could get a pretty penny for it.
You damn right. There's a lot of money in that box.
That's why we're keeping the box. We're keeping the box.
Oh, you can have the box, you and Mr Penis Head.
I'm just gonna help myself to what's inside of it.
(ON LOOKERS GASP)
WOMAN: See, he is stealing.
Like I said, there's a lot of money in that lunch box.
You can have that shit now.
But let me tell you, it ain't worth a damn thing without the thermos.
Are you flirting with me?
Oh, shit!
Ah!
Now, with the exception of a few silverfish in the men's room,
this restaurant is now vermin free.
Here's for the pancakes.
If the police stop by, you just tell 'em
that this restaurant has been exterminated.
(MUSIC STARTS QUIETLY)
You can turn it up.
SONG: ♪ Those schoolgirl days
♪ Of telling tales and biting nails are gone
♪ But in my mind... ♪
(SHRIEKS LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON)
♪ I know they will still live on and on... ♪
Somebody should've filmed this shit. Somebody should've filmed this shit.
Probably be nominated for an Oscar,
unless, of course, the filmmaker was a black man,
he was a black man, he was a brother.
Then he won't be nominated for shit!
They won't even show his tuxedo-wearing ass during the telecast.
(PHONE RINGS)
Come on, come on! Come on, Bunny, answer the fuckin' phone!
(MAGICAL MUSIC)
(TRIUMPHANT FLOURISH)
Watch where you're going, you fuckin' dweeb.
Houston, we have a problem.
(SOBS)
Would somebody help him with the fuckin' script?!
(WON DROUS MUSIC)
Nell free! Nell got job. Nell work on fee film.
(CHUCKLES)
What'd you say? (LAUGHS)
Nobody knows. Nobody cares.
But she works for free and makes a hell of a cappuccino. Nice job.
(INDISTINCT MESSAGE OVER RADIO)
E.T. phone home! E.T. phone home!
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Finally, the script.
Wait a minute. What the fuck?
This script is totally fucked.
I know. I know. I tried to put it all back together, but I couldn't.
It's all messed up. It doesn't make any sense.
I know. I love it! You do?
Who cares what comes when? That's so mainstream.
Long as it's bloody and violent.
Maxwell, we're gonna shoot this.
I have another script I'm planning to drop.
(HOT CHOCOLATES 'YOU SEXY THING')
How do you feel now, Jimmy'?
Fabuloso.
Let's run for the border.
SONG: ♪ I believe in miracles
♪ Where you from? You sexy thing... ♪
I'm in the mood for some fried chicken. Gimme the wheel.
Gimme the wheel! No! No, no!
I'm gonna hit the sign!
Yeah, look, you stopped me!
(BICKERING CONTINUES)
♪ Where did you come from, baby?
♪ How did you know I needed you?
♪ How did you know I needed you so badly?
♪ How did you know I'd give my heart gladly?
♪ Yesterday, I was one of the lonely people
♪ Now you're lying close to me... ♪
Gimme your hand. No-one's gonna die here.
You gimme your hand. No-one's gonna die.
Maybe over there someones gonna die, but no-one's gonna die here.
Give... Er... Urgggh!
She gets a piece of spinach caught on her lip.
You mean to tell me you ain't gonna help her?
Spinach and pubic hair ain't the same thing.
Man, what the fuck you talking, pubic hair, man?
MAN: No. Cut it. Cut it. Cut it. Tripped over a wire.
Keep going, guys. Keep going. MAN 2: I'm out of focus now.
Motherfucker, what you talking, pubic hair? That don't mean shit.
MAN: Move it! Move it! Oh, man!
(CREW GIGGLE) MAN 2; Cut it!
Oh, fucking... dog.
♪ I'll be the one
♪ Did you know you're everything I prayed for'?
♪ Did you know, every night and day for'?
♪ Every day, needing love
♪ And satisfaction
♪ Now you're lying next to me
♪ Giving it to me
♪ I believe in miracles
♪ Where you from, you sexy thing?
♪ Sexy thing, you... ♪
Here's De Niro in 'Frankenstein'.
Did you fuck my bride? Did you fuck my bride?
I think you did. You been fucking my bride, uh?
Well, you're a lousy shot!
My glasses fogged up, baby.
I was think... Go ahead, hit me.
Grab everything, we are leaving now!
MAN: Cut!
(LAUGHTER)
Shit, shit, shit.
Bumpkin, get this down to the warehouse at La Brea and Washington
right away.
OK. And this time...
And this time, don't screw it up.
Smokin'!
♪ Where you from, you sexy thing?
♪ Sexy thing, Y9“
♪ I believe in miracles
♪ Since you came along
♪ You sexy thing
♪ Whoa-oh! Touch me!
♪ Kiss me, darling
♪ I love the way you hold me, baby
♪ Ah, ah! It's ecstasy... ♪
I'd like to sing... a few songs for you.
My rendition... of a Christmas song I...
It brings... memories.
But... but our story's all over the news.
Good. Let's go back and write them a...
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER) I can't do it!
MAN: We'll do one more.
I am a human being.
(SLOBBERS) Not an animal.
SONG: ♪ I'm your boogie man
♪ That's what I am
♪ I'm here to do
♪ Whatever I can
♪ Be it early morning
♪ Late afternoon
♪ Or at midnight
♪ It's never too soon
♪ To wanna please you
♪ To wanna keep you
♪ To wanna do it all
♪ All for you
♪ I wanna be your
♪ Be your rubber ball
♪ I wanna be the one... ♪
You know how they, in the cartoons and in the commercials,
they got those little shells covering her breasts?
Right. Right. They had nothing.
Yeah, just those two surf-and-turf titties hanging out
in the Disney daylight.
Get outta town, babe. You gotta be kidding me.
No, these two...
You know they do that in Vegas'? Just nothing up top, man.
It's heavy. I can only see it with one eye, though, babe.
Slowly, I'd pull a cream puff out of my cleavage and then I'd eat it.
(CHOMPS)
Gotta pull off my you-yous!
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER) MAN: Cut!
Come on, please!
Two big, runny handfuls of peach cobbler.
(GIGGLES)
(LAUGHTER)
MAN: Cut!
MAN 2: Did you find it...
('I'M YOUR BOOGIE MAN' CONTINUES)
Hello. I'm Priscilla...
Queen of the desserts. We know. We were here last night.
Don't you ever go home, fruity?
I'm working a double. Whatever.
Listen...
...pumpkin head,
big lips,
pie head,
fat lips,
pie head,
juicy,
we had this briefcase...
(LAUGHTER) MAN: And cut.
WOMAN: That was so good!
Let's just stay cool
and open up the briefcase.
We'll open it, but we...
MAN: Cut!
(LAUGHTER)
Fa-la-la-la-la. Fa-la-la-la. I'm Jimmy.
White Christmas.
WOMAN: This guy sucks.
Excuse me. Whoa. Where are you going'?
MAN: We're leaving. MAN 2: Yeah, we're gone.
Excuse me. You don't like my singing?
You suck. Well, fuck you, asshole.
Hey! (WOMAN SCREAMS)
Hair up in a bunch, just titties just hanging out.
You'd better believe it. I love it, babe.
Used to do that with Italian chicks in Vegas.
Lost my marble over it.
♪ I'm your boogie man, uh-huh
♪ I'm your boogie man
♪ Uh-huh
♪ I'm your boogie man
♪ Uh-huh
♪ I'm your boogie man
♪ Uh-huh
♪ I'm your boogie man
♪ Uh-huh
♪ Whoo!
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Ah-ah
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh
J"Ah, ah... ♪
This has been one long, mixed-up, crazy, out-of-sequence kind of day.